The Horrible Adventures of Horribleness
by CatalystOfTheSoul
Summary: Oneshots. Chapter 2: Speed Dial. Synopsis: Who you gonna call?
1. The Horrible Ray

**I just want to introduce myself, say I know next to nothing of this fandom, watched Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog about seven times today, and I'm going a little outside of my comfort zone here. :) Regardless, I'm very happy to be a guest in this section of FFN and hope you enjoy my musings.**

**I do not own the following characters, settings, or plot idea. I only have the words I type to my name.**

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><p><strong>The Horrible Ray<br>**by CatalystOfTheSoul

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><p>I settled my goggles more comfortably on my forehead and leaned in to peer at the computer screen. "Moist." I mumbled, staring at the streamline of calculations, "…Moist!" I shouted, picking out sections of the formulaic marvel and puzzling over which measurement should be put where – the new Horrible Ray needed to have the perfect length and width to fit comfortably… "<em>Moist!<em>"

A door behind me slammed and, despite myself, I jumped and spun. Moist scratched his sweaty brow and looked at me quixotically, "Yeah, Doc?"

"Where have you been?" I asked, marching across the room to flip through a pile of scrap metal, "I've been calling you for, like, _ever_."

"Sorry, Doc." Moist sniffled and pawed distractedly at his nose. "I ran into that kid that you mentioned – the, ugh, Johnny Snow one."

I sighed and glanced at him with a little bit of sympathy. "Yeah, well…" I shrugged and dug through the scraps, sighing and reflecting on old emails. When was the last time I … ? It's been so long… "He's small fry anyway. Just some…" I picked up a piece of steel and held it up to my eye—it had to be at least three and a quarter inches thick, ample room to cut a circle…

"Just some what, Doc?"

I wonder if I can invert the laser to get a perfect circle of metal out of this. "He's…" Then again—if I inverted it, it could blow up in my face. My mind froze, a rush of old memory—no matter now. "He's not important." I finished, turning to Moist, "Just a kid in a…a parka. Yeah." I stared at the piece, "A parka."

"You okay, Doc?"

"Oh, me?" I smiled, "Why would you say that – I 'm fine. ..Just, you know," My gaze grew distant, "Remembering…"

"Oh." Moist nodded in understanding – like he could _ever_ understand, human filth that needed to be weeded from the system of—what am I saying? Moist is evil. Moist doesn't play into the status quo. Moist is my…my um, colleague. I nodded absently at his empathetic voice without really listening. I'm tired—that's it. Just need some sleep.

"…Bad Horse. Told them I'd deliver it to you." Moist grinned and pulled a letter from his jacket, only_ that name _really truly pulling my mind back to reality. Bad Horse was reality. He was solid, true, understood the stench of humanity—he wasn't, a—a painful infliction of…anyway. I snagged the letter from Moist's sticky fingers and quickly popped open the seal.

"What's it say?" He asked while I moved my gaze back and forth across the paper. "He wants to see the schematics for the Horrible Ray." I mentioned. "I haven't really…"

"The new project." Moist's head bobbed certainly. "What's it…do, again?"

"I _told_ _you_," I growled, "It's top secret. Hush hush."

"Oh." My long term friend sounded a little miffed, but I really didn't have time to care. My thoughts flickered back to the Horrible Ray and its horrible properties. "You can go now." I whispered, too quietly.

I waited for the door to click shut before I made my slow way across the lab—pulled a book on the shelf and allowed my new super secret passage to open beneath. Down the tunnel, to the left, I went, down a darkened hallway. At the end, I stopped, traced my fingers against the cold wood door. I stayed there for a while. "Is it really that horrible?"

My hand trailed to the knob, twisted, and the room groaned upon my entry. I moved close to delicately trace the edges of her beautiful tomb—the rotten stench of humanity. What a waste, it would be, to bring it back for another round on this cursed rock.

…But that's what made the Horrible Ray so horrible, so wrong, and so devious. Who would expect it of me? Who would think that I, Dr. Horrible with a PHD in Horribleness would…dare…

My lips twisted into a smile. But I had to. I _had_ to bring her back.

"Penny." I whispered. That was reason enough.

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><p><strong>Thank you for your time. :)<strong>

**With love,**  
><strong>~Catalyst<strong>


	2. Speed Dial

**Hah. So, anyone like oneshots? Because that, essentially what this collection of stories is. :) Sorry I hadn't mentioned as much before. D: Forgot to. Enjoy!**

**Written as a fic request for _Kazulallan_. Something about Billy and Penny before Captain Hammer shows up at the Coin Wash in Act 3.  
><strong>

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><p><strong>Speed Dial<strong>

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><p><em>Bandwidth connection: measuring…<em>

I tapped the front of my screen and sighed. It'd been measuring for a half hour…oh well. My eyes flickered to a pile of clothing pooled at my feet. It's laundry day. My heart smiled. Penny doesn't normally show up until later in the afternoon, but what else do I have to do today but watch the internet fail?

I'll just go to the laundromat, stand around for an hour and act like I just got there when she shows up. Maybe I can catch two washers next to each other…yup, I'm going.

I quickly piled my clothes into a basket and rushed out of my evil apartment, humming.

_Loading protobomb connection…_

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><p>"Mr. Tucker, I know I'm you're most dedicated volunteer, but you can't just keep me on call like this." I glowered at the cell phone clinging to my ear. "Yes, I understand that. But with the signatures and... no, no, I'm not slacking. …Yes… Well, my having a <em>boyfriend<em> has nothing to do with my work load – I can easily…" She sighed. "Okay. Yeah. I guess I have…missed some time…"

I bit my lip and nodded, then, realizing, I amended myself, "Four-thirty. I have some things to do. …_Fine_. Four. But that's as far as I'll go." In a rush I snapped my phone shut and picked up a heap of laundry. "My schedule seems to get crazier every day…" I mumbled, hurrying to catch the bus in time.

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><p>It was a stroke of luck, or maybe my genius had gone psychic, when I ran into Penny while entering the Coin Wash. We both happened to be an exact hour and forty-three seconds early. She smiled at me and held the door open while I waddled in. It really should have been the other way around but I had my basket clutched in my fingers and I really wasn't prepared to see her so soon. I mean... why is she…<p>

"You're early." I grinned, then froze. "I-I mean, I think you're early. Not that I know what time you—heh." _Smile, idiot. Smile._ "Hi Penny."

"Hi Billy." Her eyes were so pretty when they crinkled like that. "How's your week been so far?"

It was stupid of me to laugh, I recognized that the moment I started to – but I couldn't help it. Bad Horse on my back, Hammer stopping me at my front. It's a wonder I haven't broken any bones yet. I'd felt like complete and utter crap from the moment my week started. But now, _right_ now? "I feel great! How're you?"

She seemed to back away a little bit. Darn it. I come off too strong – I know I do. "I—well, I've had better days."

Trouble in Hammerdise? "Oh?"

She nodded and headed over to a machine, "Yes, well, just... everything's so busy for me, trying to get everything together... and the petition for the homeless shelter…" Penny dropped her hamper of clothes with a tired, resounding _thud_. "I feel like I have no time to do anything when I need to be doing _everything_."

"Tell me about it." I rolled my eyes. Sort through clothes, toss in washer—focus on Penny. Check, check, and _super_ _check_. "I can't wait until all of this is over with and I can _finally_ relax."

"Yeah?" She nudged me, "What've you got going on?"

"Oh, you know." I blushed, rapidly scanning the room for a viable excuse. Nope, not a one. "…Stuff. Really important…stuff." Yeah, _that's_ believable.

"Oh…" For a moment I tensed, because she looked like she was about to question that, but then she shrugged. A little white bag appeared in her hand and she looked down at it, "You know what, it was the weirdest thing, I ordered two frozen yogurts and they gave me two…you don't happen to like frozen yogurt, do you?"

"You're kidding!" I tried not to grin, or blush, or trip over myself like a fool – of course I managed all of the above – "You didn't have to—I, I mean…"

"I had to pay you back for last time." Penny smiled, handing me a cup which I gladly accepted. Why on earth was it so awkward that we both hopped on top of our machines? —but at the same time, it felt so right. Me, her, sitting here…talking.

It was just like I imagined it would be. She really is…the perfect girl for me. "You know I'll have to pay you back for _this one_, right?" I held up my cup and tried not to look foolish. It probably didn't work because nothing works with me and I feel like every time I say a word to her it comes out wrong and ridiculous and…still.

"Yeah, well, how's this." She took a bite, "I'll take Wednesday's yogurt duty and you take the weekends. That way, we'll always pay into our debts."

I tried to smile properly, and without that nervous, flinching tick to it. "But what if you skip the weekends?" I gulped, _crap. She's going to think I'm a stalker_. "I-I'm saying, you know, we bring two cups of yogurt and one of us isn't there and – and then the yogurt's melting and…"

She rolled her eyes. "I don't suppose we need to exchange phone numbers?" I don't exactly know if it was previously possible to choke on your yogurt and stop breathing at the same time, but I sure did make it so. "Billy? Billy, you okay?"

"Me?" I gasped through high, ragged breaths, pushing the water from my eyes, "I-I'm fine."

Her hand was patting my back and I can't believe I didn't notice until now! I jerked, unexpected, then instantly regretted the retraction of her fingers. Darn it! That is _not_ how I want to react! "Well, if you say so…"

"So..." I can get through this. Just stay calm, sound cool, make it smooth. "Phone numbers? Like for…the protection of yogurt melting?" I chuckled a little shakily and waited in hanging anticipation for her head to nod…

_BAM!_ A whip crack like a gunshot tore through the machines and vibrated everything to its core. "What was that?" Penny and I both raced to the window to see a not-too-far away plume of smoke rise from an adjacent apartment building.

…My apartment building. …My apartment. Oh, crap, the _protobomb_ must have gone on auto-set! I have to go – like, _now_. But—Penny…I glanced at her, then back at the apartment. "I wonder what that was…" She mused, "Maybe we should call Captain Hammer?"

"_No_!"_He'll ruin everything! I have to go, now!_ I grinned too wide, "You—you just, stay here and I'll, I'll go check it out, okay?"

"But what about your clothes?" It was too late for me to respond—I was already running out of the door. Hopefully the protobomb hadn't destroyed the freeze ray, and if I don't get that wonderflonium on ice _right now_…

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><p>Billy was off in a hurry, and I had no idea he could run that fast…well, I guess I'll just have to cycle his clothes for him. I sighed and wandered back to our washers, my fingers digging into my pocket. "He's a nice guy." I decided, pulling out my phone, "But he can't go play hero and get himself hurt."<p>

I really should put Captain Hammer on speed dial.

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><p><strong>Thanks AmazingBluie for editing! :) You're the best.<strong>

**~Catalyst**


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